Today was rough or was it?

The BEST broccoli ever.

I started my liquid diet on Friday in preparation for surgery next Tuesday. That's a long time for protein shakes. Don't get me wrong I really like the protein shakes but for whatever reason all I have wanted all day was broccoli. I don't even really like broccoli. Anyways, beside the point. Broccoli is NOT what made my day rough.

I work in the food industry. Which means day in and day out food is everywhere. How can we sale more food? There is food in my email. Food on Facebook and even more food on Pinterest. Food on the free table. Food in the ad. Food in my desk drawer. Food on my monitor and let's not forget the food smells... EVERYWHERE. Ok, so I am probably exaggerating but I think you get my point. I am surrounded by food. Luckily I have surrounded myself with a support group that doesn't tease me about it or try to make it any harder. They don't eat around me and pretty much don't mention that they have eaten, in their life, ever. I don't expect people not to eat but it is easier for me if I can avoid the temptation. Anyways, again, beside the point. Food is NOT what made my day rough.

Yesterday I consumed 760 calories. I am trying to follow my liquid diet exactly. According to the directions from my doctor I am to drink 4-5 protein shakes a day, 32-64 oz calorie free liquid and for break through hunger I can have a high protein - low sugar bar. If I feel that I HAVE to eat something I can have a lean green meal but am to avoid potatoes, rice, cookies, crackers, etc. Ok... I can do this. Anyways, 760 calories consumed and 485 calories burned doing water aerobics which leaves me with net calories of 275. Did ya hear me? 2-7-5. That's not much. What on earth was I thinking?!? I have been tired and sluggish all day. At one point I think I hit delirium but again, NOT what made my day rough.

I, me, myself, Sam, me, I made my day rough. I have every reason in the world to be grumpy and in a bad mood but why should I be? Recent visits to my therapist have shown me that I am the only person that can control my feelings/mood. Yes, I go to a therapist. If you live in the Tyler area and need a recommendation let me know. He is AMAZING. Anyways, the point of all this is that somewhere in my mind I was trying to make this day a rough one and the bigger/better part of my mind said "nope... you have waiting 15 years for this. You have been on THIS particular path for 257 days. Why screw it up now?"

I guess the take away from all of this is... you make yourself happy. You can be on a liquid diet and be sad about it or you can be on a liquid diet and be happy about it... either way you are still on a liquid diet.

p.s. Pie made me steamed broccoli and I think it might have been the best broccoli I have ever had in my entire life. Broccoli is ok because it is green and I felt like I had to have something. ;)

p.p.s. If you have any questions/comments/concerns/random musings please share. I want to be open/honest about this whole process. The good and the bad. :) Besides all that - the only way I know y'all are out there is if you comment.

My Current Shape = BIG

I have been big for as long as I can remember. I look back at baby pictures and my rolls have rolls. My rolls still have rolls but it is so much cuter on a baby. A lot of people call that baby fat and believe me there is nothing cuter than a roly poly baby. I want to just cuddle snuggle with them. Most people also grow out of their baby fat. I didn't. Well, maybe I did but it came right back.

Roly Poly Sammi - I was sooo cute!!!

Anyways, I was always the biggest kid in class. I always got picked on. When I played softball they didn't make pants big enough for me so my mom added inserts to the thighs so I could wear the same pants as all the other girls. I have been on more diets than I care to count. You name it... I've probably tried it, at least once. My primary care physician, Dr. A, has been trying to get me approved for Gastric Bypass since I was 18 years old. Whatever insurance I happened to be on never approved it and we could never afford to pay cash.

The smallest I ever remember being was 201 and it was my senior year in high school. I had been on phen-phen for a while and it was working great for me. Then the fit hit the shan. Phen-phen was pulled off the market for being unsafe. I was devastated. Around that same time I was graduating high school and losing friends that had been my rock for years. The summer after high school I really started putting on weight. Before I knew it I was sitting in my room crying because I couldn't go out with Mom and B because I didn't have any pants that would fit. That same night they went shopping and came home with new blue jeans but I was still getting fatter.

Life continues on and I meet EE during my first Spring semester at TJC. EE makes everything wonderful (or so I thought at the time). He was my whole world. I didn't realize until much later that he took advantage of my lack of self-confidence to take things from me that I will never get back. EE and I were together for 3 years. We were engaged and we made some mistakes in our life. We broke up right after my 21st birthday (that's a whole nother story). I fall into a horrible deep depression. I graduate from TJC in May of 2000. All this time I am eating and getting bigger. On January 1, 2001 Mom fell and broke her hip (again a story for another time). At this point our relationship is kind of rocky because of everything that happened with EE (you guessed it, another story). Still more eating. In the Fall of 2001 I moved into my first apartment with Mush in Commerce, TX. We were both going to Texas A&M-Commerce for Printing. Like most college students we ate crap. I ate Totino's Pizza Rolls with French Onion Dip for dinner more times than I care to count. Here I am, still getting fatter. When you see yourself every day you don't really realize how bad it is getting until your none of your clothes fit. Elastic waist band pants and oversized shirts became my wardrobe. Anyways, Mush and I started fighting... EVERYDAY. She moved out and I was alone. Except for Absolut and food. I ate. I ate absolutely anything I wanted. I got bigger. Fast forward to June 2003. Graduation. Time to move back home. Then started the closet eating. That's not really true. I had always been a closet eater but when I moved back home is when it got the worst. I kept eating. Getting bigger and bigger by the day.

I finally land a job as a graphic designer. My dreams are coming true! Then I realized that I was the biggest person in the office and the only one not on a diet. I tried this that and the other thing and I lost here and there. At least at this point I wasn't gaining weight. In the fall of 2004, Dr. A says "Sam, you need to do something or you are going to die by the time you are 30. Don't try to start something now, wait until after the holidays then get busy and stay serious about it." January 2005, I started seeing a nutritionist names Arlyne. I loved her. When I first started seeing her I was around 375. We aren't sure because her scale stopped at 350. She would write down everything I was supposed to eat and I would only eat what she had written on the paper. That same January I met Pie, who would later become my husband. We met the end of January and were engaged by the end of February.

I got down around 300 and completely stopped losing weight. I was tired of being told what to eat so I quit going to see Arlyne. I wasn't really learning anything anyways. So what happened, I started gaining weight again.

Sometime in 2006 I was diagnosed with growth hormone deficiency and it was one of the reasons I had trouble losing weight. I was put on hormone injections and they really helped. They weren't a miracle cure but they did help. The shots were expensive and if Pie and I wanted to move out after the wedding them something had to be cut. Shots was the first thing to go. Pie and I got married on October 13, 2007. Hard to believe that was almost five years ago. I lost quite a bit of weight before the wedding and I think I was in the 280 range. I put back on everything I had lost and then some. For a while I hovered around 330 and now the average is more like 350. The last time I weighed in I was at 342. I had gained a pound. So here I sit... second day of liquid diet in preparation for surgery on the 2nd. The sad part is, I don't even know if my surgery has been approved or not. I know - shocking. But I am moving forward on blind faith...

"I will always love you no matter your shape."

June 1997. Aunt Becky and Uncle T were in town for my high school graduation. Me, Mom, G, C, K, B, Aunt Becky and Uncle T went to Ryan's for dinner. B had to go potty so I took her. While we were in there she looked up at me and said "Aunt Sam... I want you to know that I love you no matter your... shape. I don't want you to get sick like DJ." What she was trying to tell me without saying that I was fat was that she loved me no matter what I looked like. Come to find out she had been watching old reruns of Full House. She had recently seen the one where DJ is suffering from an eating disorder and it made DJ sick. B was very worried about me so she wanted me to know that she loved me no matter what. Whenever I think about being overweight or fat or fluffy or a different shape or whatever you want to call it... I KNOW that B loves me no matter what. :) During this journey I hope to remain the same Sam... just a different shape...

The beginning is a very good place to start...

February 26, 1979 at 6:26 am a red-headed baby girl was born. That red-headed girl was me. I was named Margaret Samantha after my maternal grandmother, Nani and my paternal grandfather, Grandpa Sam.

Margaret Samantha (Me) - February 1979

Nani was the 4th generation Margaret in our family, which makes me the 6th. That's a lot of Margarets in our family and I am proud to be one of them. Nani was Mom's mom and had already passed away before I was born. My brother, C, and my sister, D, got to know her as kids and for that I am pretty jealous. They also got to know Boss, my maternal great-grandfather, and of course I am jealous of that too. I have heard some great stories about Boss and Nani. It is the memories of those we have lost that keep them with us every day. If I ever have anything in my shoe, I always think "there's a burr in my shoe, Boss. A burr in my shoe." That was D's story but I hold in my heart as one of my own. Whenever C would ask Nani for candy he would want "one for my mouth and one for my bocket." Makes me smile just thinking of Mom telling me those stories.

Mom and Nani
I LOVE the fact that Mom and I looked so much alike when we were litte.

 Grandpa Sam was actually E.J., Ezekiel Jackson, but everyone called him Sam. Not really sure where Sam came from but that's the story I have been told all my life. I don't really have a lot of stories about him and that makes me a little sad. I do have a lot of stories about Aunt Fish and Mamaw, though. Aunt Fish is Daddy's sister and Mamaw is his mother. Mamaw passed away when I was in elementary school but I still got a chance to know her and make some memories. Some of the classics are "the wall is your friend" and "the ocean tastes like Mamaw's margaritas." Again, I just smile thinking about these little snippets. I still to this day can't look at a frog without thinking of Aunt Fish. She loved frogs more than anyone else I know. She had a billizion. My sister, J, and I tried to count them once. I think we got bored around 5,000. Aunt Fish always said that if she kissed enough frogs she would find her prince. Whenever I would spend the week during the summer, Aunt Fish would always leave a list of things that needed to get done throughout the day. The one thing I remember that was ALWAYS on the list was to pick up sticks in the yard. Goodness me, I sure did pick up a lot of sticks.

Mamaw, Sammi, Aunt Fish - Christmas 1982

Well... there ya go... A little bit about my begining. More stories to come. Stay tuned...